


Not drunk enough for this

by starzangelus



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:10:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starzangelus/pseuds/starzangelus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Dark Curse is about to hit again! And what do the inhabitants of Storybrooke decide to do? Have a drink, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not drunk enough for this

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my own prompt on tumblr.

Manical laughter fills the air as yet _another_ foe of the Gold-Charming-Mills family disappears in a cloud of purple smoke.

“You know, for a minute there, I really thought we were done. I thought maybe, just maybe we could finally breathe. We could all finally relax and enjoy ourselves. I mean, really, Regina, REALLY? This is the fifth time!” Emma glares balefully at her former nemesis and then turns to the lowly shopkeeper standing sheepishly next to Belle. “And you Gold! You just had to turn his brother into a snail! A snail! Of all the screwed up things…” She rubs a tired hand across her face. “I need a drink.”

Cautiously, Hook steps forward with his flask allowing Emma to snatch it away and take a large drink. She doesn’t even flinch as the burning liquid goes down her throat and she throws it back at him. He catches it easily and takes a sip of his own.

“Okay, what do we do? Any ideas?” Emma asks the large group standing in front of Granny’s diner.

The dwarves shuffle about, speaking animatedly amongst themselves. Henry sits on the diner steps next to Neal, both looking completely lost and hopeless. The Charmings hold each other closely and Emma tries desperately not to roll her eyes at them. Belle rubs a soothing hand up and down Gold’s arm who seems to be having a silent, mental conversation with Regina who glowers back at him in distaste. Robin, who holds Roland in his arms, places a gentle hand on her shoulder. Hook hovers at her side, as usual, sipping casually from his flask and occasionally raising an amused eyebrow. Emma sort of hates him for his cavalier attitude to any and every crisis but begrudgingly accepts that she needs him around for that precise reason (and for other things, of course).

“Ahem,” Gold speaks, startling the entire group from their activities. “I believe I may have a solution.”

“Which is?” Regina asks impatiently.

“Cora’s protection spell. I confiscated it before your dear mother’s demise and I believe that I finally have the ingredients to make it work in our favor.”

“Oh, bloody seven hells! I’ll be damned before allowing myself to be frozen again for twenty-eight years!”

Gold takes a moment to stare daggers at Hook before returning his attention to Emma and Regina. “As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by the filthy, grub-infested pirate, I have managed to alter the spell so that it allows us to move freely within the barrier. I took the liberty to pilfer some of Neverland’s magic during our delightful stay there and combined it with Cora’s spell.”

“What are you saying?” David asks, eyes wide and concerned.

“I am saying that despite our freedom under this most powerful barrier, time will, unfortunately, stand still, just like in Neverland.” Gold chuckles but he is clearly not amused. “Magic always comes with a price.”

No one speaks, allowing Gold’s words to sink in. It is better than nothing and they all eye each other carefully, gauging reactions, until nods are shared amongst the crowd. Most have them have lived under a similar enchantment anyway and at least this time, they will be aware of their own identities.

“And how long will we stay like that?” Grumpy asks, and the dwarves all nod in unison.

“It is difficult to say,” Gold replies. “I had not predicted that we would fall under these perilous circumstances… again.”

Hook scoffs and Emma shushes him with a hard smack on his arm.

“Either way,” Gold proceeds as if nothing had happened. “The barrier will be large enough to conceal all of Storybrooke and  keep it safe. I have enough magical paraphernalia in my shop to keep us busy and with the help of our darling witches right here—“ he gestures to Emma and Regina, “I am sure we can conquer the Dark Curse in due time.”

“And how long would that be?” Snow asks sadly.

Gold presses his lips together and frowns. “Give or take a few years. At least three, in my estimation.”

Silence runs through the group once again and the tension in the air is almost palpable.

“I need a drink,” Emma says.

“Me too,” Regina adds, earning a raised eyebrow from her husband.

“I wouldn’t mind one,” Belle pipes up.

“Some wine would be nice,” Snow says and David agrees quietly.

“I would kill for some tequila right now,” Granny intones sorrowfully, Ruby nodding fervently beside her. “But I’m afraid we must ration our alcohol now if we are to go without shipments for the next few years.”

The dwarves sigh in mournful harmony.

“Hook’s got a magical barrel on his ship that refills automatically with rum,” Neal speaks up helpfully from the steps and everyone turns eager eyes towards the Captain.

Hook chokes on a mouthful of rum and Emma slaps him hard on the back.

“Well?” Regina asks with a sneer, and she looks every bit the queen she was raised to be. Even Gold taps his cane impatiently into the ground, waiting eagerly for the Captain’s response.

Emma grins at Hook wolfishly, daring him to say no.

“How about you lot join me on my ship?”

* * *

 

“I get it now,” David slurs and sways gracelessly against the mast. “This rum is fantastic.”

“Mhmm,” Grumpy agrees from the deck floor, where the dwarves lie in hazardous disarray.

“Babe, please sit down,” Snow begs from her seat on a crate, where she cradles her sleeping toddler against her chest while nursing her own flask of rum.

“Nooo,” David croons and he laughs joyously. He manages to stumble up the deck stairs and stand at the helm. “ _There were two lofty ships from old England came! Blow high, blow low, and so sailed we_!”

“Oh, by all that is dark and unholy, make it stop,” Gold groans mournfully from the chair he has magically conjured. He drinks his rum from a golden chalice, too dignified to drink from a flask provided by the pirate. Belle sits on his lap drinking from her own chalice, but her eyes are closed and her head lolls from side to side on Gold’s shoulder. She wasn’t a lightweight, by any means, but ten cups later did have that effect on people.

“ _Look ahead, look astern, look aweather and alee! Look along down the coast of the High Barbaree_!”

“Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to teach him sea shanties?” yells Whale from the railing. His arm slung protectively around Ruby.

Regina, who has conjured her own chairs, scoffs in disbelief at Whale. “Who do you think?”

Whale rolls his eyes and looks down at Ruby. “How about you maul him to death and I bring him back to life?”

“Deal,” she replies. They begin to kiss passionately and both Regina and Gold scowl in disgust.

Snow ignores them and instead keeps a watchful eye on her husband. “David, please come sit down! You might hurt yourself!”

“ _Oh, hail her, Oh, hail her,” our gallant captain cried_ … Oh no, Snow! I got this! Just see! My mate! He taught me! Look how I’m keeping her afloat!” David moves the helm back and forth a few notches.

“David, we are _docked_. The Jolly Roger isn’t moving.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Snow looks down at her flask, red-faced.

David eyes Snow dubiously and suddenly his face lights up. “I know! I’ll ask my mate! Mate! Hey, mate!” He looks around the deck, searching for his favorite mate, Hook. His vision is starting to blur but he positive he will be able to make out the long, dark coat Hook still insists upon wearing. He sees nothing and decides that maybe Emma will know. Looking about he is also unable to make out her signature red leather jacket. He sees Henry asleep on a hammock with Neal and begins to panic. “Snow! Where are Emma and Hook?”

No one dares to speak, even Gold who had long ago muted out the noise with a spell he cast on himself. He seems to realize his error and casts another spell to mute out David.

Regina has had enough and mumbles something about _family full of idiots_. “What do you think that banging noise is? I’ll give you a clue, it is _not_ the waves.” She sighs in exasperation and leans against Robin. “Or mermaids.”

David stares blankly at Regina for several minutes. He looks back at Snow, who unbelievably, has gone even redder. He is about to ask what Regina means when slowly, realization creeps into his confused blue eyes. He staggers away from the helm and runs towards the steps… and promptly falls down them. He is face down on the deck and doesn’t get up. Snow looks to Regina and sighs.

“He’s alive,” Regina says to her unspoken question. “For now.”

A booming thunder is heard in the distance and the edges of the sky begin to fill up with green smoke. Regina and Gold exchange a glance.

Snow downs the rest of her drink.

“I’m not drunk enough for this. We need more rum,” Grumpy says.

Everyone agrees.

 

 

 

 


End file.
